obedience

I have made a commitment to share more of when I am in the “middle” and not always after I have learned the lesson and tied it up in a beautiful bow. So here it is . . . I am right in the middle.

For the past year and a half, I have worked for myself, coaching and consulting with individual clients and it has been a dream. I have loved every second of the work I do, the challenges, the connections, and the freedom it has given me.

In May, I moved into my own place as Rob and I work through our divorce process. For the past two and a half months I have, for the first time in 17 years, been financially responsible for all aspects of my life. And I was NOT properly prepared. I didn’t realize how much I relied on Rob for big things like our mortgage payment, and little things like groceries. Although we had never “shared” money, he clearly contributed to my ability to work for myself.

This weekend, I faced the realization that it would be so much easier financially to get a “job”. The idea made me cry until I almost threw up. Something so deep in the very fiber of my being was rejecting the idea of giving up on my dream, something I have worked so hard to create. It felt like the only option. Through endless tears, I searched for jobs online, knowing none of them were what I am here to do. I went to bed defeated, feeling as though my soul was never going to recover.

I woke up to a message from a friend and client, “I love you. I support you. What do you need? How can I support? People need you.”

It snapped me back to the realization that I have agreed to live my life in obedience.

Obedience, to me, means “oh be thy essence”. It means LISTEN to what I know to do and ACT on it. My body was telling me what I couldn’t logically or spiritually hear . . . KEEP GOING.

This is one of those moments where my brain wants to override the divine plan and come up with something “better” to fix it. And I know that what there is to do is ask for the support I need, to keep listening, and act.

Rob said to me, “You live to work; I work to live.” And yes, I do. I have never been able to do a job that does not fulfill me. It sounds privileged, and it is. And I am grateful that I can do this work, I know it is a service to others, yet it also gives me tremendous joy.

I don’t have it figured out yet, and it may be a while before I do. I have the tools to get me through the middle, and I can’t wait to share the beautifully packaged lesson at the end. For now, I appreciate the opportunity to share this with you.

It is important to know that the work I do isn’t because I am perfect and have it all figured out. The work I do, is to share the tools to get through the middle. Which is why I will continue to be obedient and share what I know.