I have a tendency to go inward when things get rough, when I am working through things. I ignore offers for support, I watch a lot of Netflix, and I cry. What this does for me, is gives me the opportunity to completely spiral into irrational thought and convince myself that things can’t possibly work out.
There is currently a lot shifting in my life. Much of it has me giving myself permission to go deep into darkness, despair, and chaos in my head (thanks Mercy Hill for the words).
Here is what I have noticed in it all. . . The things that make me feel the most like myself, are the things I am doing with other people. The times I am allowing people in, accepting support and love.
I have laughed more, danced more, sang more in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last few years of my life. And every time, my heart soars and I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that I am on the right path.
There is no reason to do any of this alone, if we choose not to. It is so much harder to stay in the darkness when we invite the light of others in.
Community takes effort, it takes commitment, and it takes love. I have not fostered deep relationships in my adult life; and I have had the luxury of people loving me in spite of this. I have kept people on the surface, because it has been safe. That way they don’t see my messiness and my humanness. It has also kept me from feeling the deep connections possible with community.
I know it is time. It is time for me to put myself out there and in it with people. To let them love me, to love them back. To support them and be supported right back. Even if it means I may get hurt.
After all, we are all in this together.